Money just... perverts everything.
At this point, I could stand to be a little perverted.
Yeah, I wanna be a lot perverted.
We'll be profitable and up 5X inside three years.
-You've got three months. -(YELLS)
-What is this? -My resignation letter.
Laurie, what are you doing here?
I've made myself the CEO of the OwlNet.
This is who you're walking away for?
-This... George R.R.-- -No, no, no. No!
-Oh my god! -You did this, Richard!
Cheers to our future endeavors together.
-(THUDS, SPLASHES) -We will not mine user data.
I was very clear about that.
If you do not take my money, Richard...
-it will be very bad for you. -(THUDS, SPLASHES)
♪ ♪
(sighs)
-A billion dollars? -Yes.
A man offered us a billion dollars,
and you said no?
A very bad man, and he would've turned us
into the worst possible version of ourselves.
I mean, you can't put a price on ethics.
Gilfoyle: But it seems you just did.
One billion dollars.
Monica... (scoffs) you were okay with this?
Y-Yes?
Richard,
do you remember when you turned down $10 million from Gavin Belson?
Did that start some sick addiction to turning down money?
Are you just chasing that dragon, you sick junkie fuck?!
Now, Dinesh, look, if I'd taken that 10 million,
you wouldn't own two and a half percent of everything we've built here!
Two and a half percent of a billion dollars is $25 million!
Yes, but, actually, the billion dollars
was to own ten percent of the company.
So, not to split hairs, you would, uh, technically,
be worth... 250 million.
-Fuck! -Huh.
At an interest rate of 3.65 percent,
leaving a billion dollars in the bank would get you
$36.5 million a year.
That's a hundred grand a day. That's...
-Sixty-nine dollars a minute. -Sixty-nine dollars a minute!
Think about all the gold chain
you could've bought with that money.
I actually don't think...
that interest rate is accurate because...
-even a 30-year T-bill is only-- -Two-point-nine percent.
-Two-point-nine. -Dinesh: All your blathering
just now would've made us $2.32.
Again, I-I don't think that's right because,
assuming an APR of three, I cost us well under two dollars,
-so it's not even... -(phone buzzing)
Um, sorry, uh...
-Hello? -Maximo (over phone): Richard!
It's Maximo. (laughs)
We are on the phone. How are you?
Yeah, I know. (clears throat) I'm fine.
We were just talking about you, myself and Colin.
-Colin? -Oh, yes.
Colin is here.
He is making the peace sign to you.
Now, you remember how you refused to take my money?
Well, Colin, he did take my money. So,
now he is leaving your network.
Wait, to go where?
Oh, to the network run by new friend, Laurie Bream.
Now, you remember when I said if you did not take my money,
it would be very bad for you?
Well, let me tell you what is going to happen to you next.
Which was too, too, too much for her,
so she went down 51st Street to see Dr. X,
who gave her eight pills, which left her...
All: Boobless.
(vomits)
(theme song playing)
-So, Colin's out. -Yes.
So, our profits are... zero.
It's worse than that. Maximo has bought all of Laurie's Pied Piper shares,
as well as all the shares of Big Head's dad.
He now owns 30 percent of the company.
So, the only way we can raise money to stay alive
is by selling shares, but the second we do that...
Maximo buys them.
Yeah, and when he gets a majority stake,
he can do whatever he wants.
Shut us down, fire all of us,
-take our IP to Laurie to use on her network. -He's starving us out.
-How long can we survive? -Gilfoyle: Well,
the Siege of Candia lasted 21 years.
Oh. Well, that's something.
It ended in 1669,
when the Ottoman soldiers were infected with plague
after being attacked with the liquid
from the spleens and buboes of the dead.
What's a bubo?
Plague-infested lymph nodes.
So, they would, like, scoop them out and throw them at people?
Fuck! (grunts) Fuck.
Richard, did you just try to punch the wall and miss?
(clears throat) Nope. I clipped it. I got it.
Sort of like that.
I see. So,
until a Richard Hendricks reports an assault,
I-I technically can't turn myself in for it?
That is correct.
And what about a restraining order?
Can I-I take one out against myself on his behalf?
Cop: No.
What if I threaten you guys? Just hear me out...
Fucking pigs. I-I hope that you get cheated out of your overtime.
How about that, dickless?
Maybe you could just try calling the guy?
Why were you talking to the police?
Oh, it was just a personal issue.
You should not bring them here.
Fuck the police.
Jian-Yang, you're not doing anything illegal here, are you?
Yes.
Where is everyone?
-(shouting in Chinese) -(clapping)
♪ ♪
(murmuring)
Jared is bringing chaos to the house,
and chaos is bad for our business.
Yeah. What is our business?
I told you, it's a better for both of us if you do not know.
Oh, right. Yeah.
We need to get rid of Gwart.
It's the only way to get rid of Jared.
(chuckles) Gwart.
Yes.
♪ ♪
Richard?
-Gavin. -You look like shit.
So do you.
-(chuckles) -What happened to your hand?
I punched a wall.
Cool.
Want a drink?
Don't you think it's a little early--
It's kombucha with ginseng and lemongrass, Richard.
I'm not a fucking hobo.
All I wanted to do was be a golden millionaire.
Is that too much to ask?
A millionaire that gets peed on?
I could see you making half that happen.
No, you have as many millions as your age.
I mean, everyone in the Valley is swimming in money.
Why not me?
I believe your people have a concept for it.
-Karma. -Firstly,
I am Muslim from Pakistan, you fucking racist.
Secondly, karma does not exist.
Otherwise, it would mean that bad things
happen to me because I'm a bad person.
Check... and check.
Oh, I'm a bad person?
Says the guy who literally worships Satan.
I am a great guy.
In my youth, I would've argued that life is just
a series of random events, devoid of any meaning.
But as a data scientist, I have to recognize
that sometimes, patterns emerge.
Undeniable patterns.
Get right with the universe.
Wajeed: Dinesh?
-Yo! -Dinesh: Hey.
What is up, my cousin?
-Oh! -Hey, uh, Gilfoyle,
-you remember my cousin, Wajeed? -Yes.
Coz, I have been meaning to call you.
Remember last year when you wanted to sell
all those shares of Bro that I gave you?
And I was like, don't sell those shares!
And you were like, "I need the money
"to buy floor mats for my Tesla, so I can make a guy
named Danny in the office feel bad."
Dinesh: Good memory. Um,
but, you know, Bro was basically out of business.
It was.
But so wild!
After you sold those shares, I sold Bro to MoveShack
for basically nothing, and yesterday,
MoveShack got "acquired"
by Snapchat, and, uh... (chuckles) we crushed it!
-How much did you make? -Oh, you won't believe this--
(speaking Urdu)
-(speaks Urdu) -Sixty million dollars?
Wajeed: Yes, 60 million dollars!
I'm a golden millionaire!
Times two!
Gilfoyle: So, Dinesh sold his shares,
and then your fortunes turned around. Is that right?
Wajeed: Huh. Weird. It's just like that time.
Remember, you, me, and Ali, we went down to play by the river...
-Oh... Boring story. -...and then, and then Dinesh,
you snuck home so that you could get Ali's jump rope
and play with it by yourself,
without telling him,
and then Ali and I found a giant...
giant box of British candy.
You love candy.
Wajeed: Oh, it was the best.
Anyway, I'm a golden millionaire.
How about I buy drinks, yeah?
-Karma's a-- -You're a bitch.
Anyway, the fucking US government
blocked the entire thing. Can you believe that?
I pay taxes.
-I mean, I don't, but... -Yeah.
But look, I mean, I think
we're even more fucked than you are.
We're quite a pair, aren't we?
To us. To the men in the arena,
living or dying under the watchful gaze of Caesar.
Are you not entertained?
(phone chimes)
It's, uh, from Jared Dunn. Do you remember him?
Of course. How's he doing?
Actually, uh, funny enough,
he just bailed on me to go work for some...
sexy new startup back at my old hacker hostel.
Ironic. Exactly the same way he left me, for you.
Jared always had an eye for talent.
Thanks, I guess.
So, what was the munition
that CIFIUS got on your case for?
Some kind of...
-illegal hacking tool? -You wanna hear the worst part?
It's a fucking dating app called Foxhole.
-An app? -Yep!
I can't shut it down because my investors will lose their shit,
and I can't sell it because who the fuck wants something
-with all those restrictions on it? -(chuckles): Right.
(sighing): Anyway...
Here's to us,
the Shackletons,
-betrayed by nature's cruelest whims... -Wait.
-...her wants-- -Sorry, just--
If I owned Foxhole,
wouldn't that prevent this Chilean guy
from buying more of my shares?
Actually, it would go even further.
He'd have to sell all the shares he already owns.
Okay, so, um,
if you sell me Foxhole, I mean, that would
certainly save my ass, obviously,
but it would also save yours
because then you could move your operations wherever you wanted.
I mean, it's kind of perfect, right?
It would benefit us both, equally.
-(laughs) Holy shit. -Yeah.
Um, look, Gavin, I know we always haven't seen eye-to-eye,
we're not the best of friends, but...
this may be a chance to actually
help each other out, right?
What do you say?
I mean... isn't it obvious?
I say... no!
-What? -No!
Fuck no, Richard!
I can't make a move that would benefit you.
You're my competition. Help no rival.
It's one of the basic principles of business.
We just spent the last hour bonding about how
this business is comprised of backstabbers and cutthroats.
Yes, exactly! That's what this is.
It's a little weird you don't get it.
I could help you, Gavin.
You already have, Richard!
I mean, I was sitting up here feeling
totally just impotent, and then you came along
and exposed your underbelly, and practically begged me
to plunge the knife in! I mean, I still have a deep hole
to crawl out of, but this is a fucking great start.
Look at that.
It barely hurts anymore.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have a triathlon to train for,
and I'm suddenly feeling a wellspring of energy.
Ron: Look, Richie,
you're basically outta options.
So, what are you saying? That...
I just lay down and die?
I take issue with your definition of die, my dude.
I can get that Chilean cat on the phone right now and get you paid.
There's no shame in it.
Musk built PayPal and sold. Hoffman built LinkedIn and sold.
You seen those guys lately?
I don't care about the money, that's not why I got into this.
Richie, can I be honest with you for once?
For once? You're my attorney.
You remember the end of Thelma and Louise?
How they drove that car off the cliff?
Why? That was a mint '66 T-Bird.
They didn't need that car to get over the cliff. Why'd that car have to die?
I-I think it had something to do with, um,
-women's rights or something? -Important stuff.
But... sorry, what's your point?
My point, Richie,
is you wanna go over the cliff, Thelma, that's fine.
All right? You do you.
But you gotta remember there are 500 other people
in the trunk that are gonna burst into flames with you.
And for what?
-Computers? -(phone vibrating)
That's Jared. He's been calling me all day.
Uh, hey, can I call you back? I'm in the middle of something.
Did you talk to Gavin Belson about Gwart's company,
and call her sexy?
Richard (phone): Uh, what? No.
I mean, yes, but I barely mentioned it.
Did you call her sexy? Yes or no?
I think I was more talking about her tech.
Jared: So, you told Gavin Belson,
a lion in repose,
that Gwart was a potential threat,
and now Jian-Yang is selling us to him for pocket change.
-Jian-Yang can do that? -Yeah.
He owns 60 percent of the company. He can do whatever he wants.
Gavin is shutting us down, Richard.
Gwart is so mad, she won't even look at me.
-Richard: Aah, fuck. -You know, if you want revenge
on me, that's fine.
But to go after Gwart?
She doesn't have
your savvy or your ruthlessness, Richard.
Hell, she has to wear earplugs on hikes
because the forest is too loud.
Look, I was only talking to Gavin to save Pied Piper.
I-I had no idea he was--
A monster? Of course you did!
That's all you talked about for years!
"Gavin is a monster.
Poor Pied Piper. I'm Richard Hendricks."
I don't think my voice is that deep.
I mean, who is the buddy-fucker now?
-You are the buddy-fucker. -(line clicks, beeps)
(sighs)
So, we gonna save that T-Bird, or are we gonna take her right over the cliff?
Richard: So, uh,
look, I-I know it's not a billion dollars,
but, um, given the situation...
it's actually a very good deal.
Do you want to sell the company?
No, I don't.
Dinesh, I don't, but...
Ron is right.
Maximo is getting it no matter what.
Why just give it away?
-Right. Yeah. -(phone chimes)
Look, anyway, you guys have done...
everything I've asked for, so, uh, you all deserve this.
Well, we can take the money and still be good people, right?
Plus, Richard is the CEO,
so I have to follow his orders.
I mean, no one's ever been a bad person
'cause they followed orders, right?
You guys, there's really no other option.
-Yes, there is. -What? No.
Okay, if Hooli won't sell us Foxhole...
-we could just buy Hooli. -(laughs)
Right. Yeah.
The-the same way we can buy America and everything in it.
No, I-I'm serious. We just found out how much Hooli's worth,
and it's not that much.
Sorry, how do we know how much Hooli's worth?
♪ ♪
Gilfoyle: Gavin bought Gwart's company using Hooli stock?
Mm-hmm. And when he did, he tipped his hand.
He really ran it into the ground.
Yeah, and Maximo's offer's so strong
that our price just shot up.
Holy shit. We're worth more than Hooli.
Uh, hey Jared, uh,
-thank you for-- -Save it.
I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for Gwart.
The second you own Hooli, you release us
to become independent, non-negotiable.
Of course. Sure, yeah.
If that's what you want. Cool.
(sighs) So, guys...
are we really doing this?
Fuck it. Yeah.
I think we have to.
We have to sleep on it.
Richard: Okay.
We're gonna buy Hooli. (laughs)
Big question,
-how do we buy Hooli? -Monica: Well,
in order to get the cash, we have to sell a chunk
of our shares to someone other than Maximo,
and, I mean,
whoever we rope into that is gonna lose a fortune.
-Because...? -Richard: Well, we'd be selling to them
at our current high price.
And when we acquire Hooli and Foxhole,
CIFIUS will force Maximo to dump all his shares,
and our valuation will plummet.
And I couldn't do that to anyone.
Oh? Couldn't you?
Yeah, I-I'm not sure I could do it either.
Okay! Deal breaker then, right?
'Cause there's no one I could do that to either.
Oh, isn't there...
bro?
Oh, God damn it.
You want me to be an investor in your company?
-I do. -Wow,
that-that is so cool.
But I don't know why I'm surprised because
you're literally the greatest guy that I know.
-What? -Yeah! I mean,
literally last week, Farooq was calling me, and he was like,
"Hey, you know who's a good guy?"
And I was like, "My cousin Dinesh!"
And he was like, "Yes. Yes, your cousin,
-Dinesh." -That's me.
It's hard for me to say, but I-I think we should hang out more, okay?
And that's my fault, and I promise that I will call you
as soon as me and my friends get back.
Where you guys going?
Oh, we're just gonna go down to the North Shore
because... (chuckles)
...I bought 80 acres in Hawaii, bro!
And the beach is, like, pretty private or whatever,
but there's, like, fashion shoots and supermodels--
Just sign it.
Thank you, triathletes, for being here today
to support a wonderful cause, HooliCares.
Hooli cares.
Do you?
(laughing)
Take your marks.
(starter pistol fires)
Gilfoyle: He's in the water.
You sure?
I cracked into Gavin's HooliWatch.
Don't ask me how I did it.
I've got real-time GPS location,
blood pressure, body temperature, heart rate.
I can even see where he is in his menstrual cycle.
Looks like a good day to fuck him.
(clears throat)
So, I guess we're gonna talk all damn day?
-That the play? -Richard: Uh, no. No.
We're calling him, okay? So...
-let's do this. -Okay. 'Cause it just seemed like...
Lex Skelton. Hey, uh, it's, um, Richard Hendricks.
I'd like to ask for you to call
an emergency meeting of the Hooli board of directors.
♪ ♪
Flank that little fucker in the black cap!
Uh, we've tried to, uh,
contact Gavin Belson,
but, uh, he hasn't responded.
We do, however, have a quorum.
Let's proceed.
Great. Well, I would like to present you
with an offer, and, uh, judging by the current state of Hooli,
I think you'll find it very interesting.
(applause, cheering)
All right, according to the company charter,
Gavin Belson does have two hours to formally object.
Right. Yeah, two hours,
so...
That's no problem at all.
You've seen my offer,
but unless everyone agrees to sell,
there's no deal because I need
total control of the company.
-So, who's in? -Lex: Richard,
I expect a lot of us are on the fence here.
Personally, I've been with Gavin for a lot of years,
and believe--
Oh.
Everyone?
All right. I suppose I won't stand in the way then.
Okay!
Good, yeah. I'll just email you
the long form, and you can just eSign--
eSign? No!
We don't do that.
-What? -Lex: Never have, never will.
You want this deal to close,
you bring us the forms, get everyone's hard signature,
and then bring them to me to countersign.
Is that a problem?
No.
More push, more push, more push!
♪ ♪
(panting)
Dinesh: Whoa, he just sped up!
There's been some lag, but I think he's on the bike.
-Richard: Okay, we gotta hustle, guys. -I'm aware.
All right, everybody know where they're going?
You go, you get the signatures,
-we meet at Lex's offices, yeah? -Yeah.
Richard: Okay. Quick, quick.
(crowd cheering)
Come on, come on, come on!
(panting)
(gargling)
Go, go, go!
One down.
The next one's up on Market.
Just up this block and take a right.
Is that what the GPS says?
-N-no, I-- -Okay, do you wanna drive?
-No, Jared. Look-- -Woman (on radio): I'm Terry Gross.
-Look, should we maybe talk about-- -My guest is
(louder): a medical bioethicist who learned about opioid dependence the hard way.
You know, I really ought to consult with my wife
before I make such a big financial decision.
You're really gonna let a woman tell you what to do?
Over here!
(panting)
-(clears throat) -Oh, thank you.
Almost done here.
Gavin's just starting the run.
His blood O2 is dog shit.
(panting)
-Plan J, sir? -Plan J!
(panting)
Jay!
You are my spitting image.
I'll meet you a quarter mile from the finish line.
Go, go, go, go, go!
♪ ♪
(inhales)
I still got it, Hoover.
I know you do, sir.
As long as Jay doesn't fuck up,
I'm gonna beat my personal record.
Let's see, we started at 10:00,
and now it's...
I gave Jay my watch.
(clears throat)
The fuck?!
Turn around! Turn around, Hoover!
-Yes, sir. -(honks horn)
Mother fuck!
-Lex: So, you've got them all signed, have you? -Richard: Yeah.
And you can just, uh, countersign all that, and-and,
your form to sign is at the end there.
Do that, and we'll be out of your way.
(sighs)
Fresca.
(sighs)
Ah.
Let's have a look-see, huh?
"To whom it may...
concern."
Okay, and actually, the signature page--
-I've done these things before! -Yep.
No, I know. I know.
What do you mean not to be disturbed?
I just got a million texts that he's about
to sign away my whole fucking company!
It's Gavin fucking Belson, you clattering magpie!
Hello?
Fuck!
We need to get to Lex's. Now!
All right. Seven down,
-one to go! -(clears throat)
Yep. Yeah, just finish signing
that form there, and we will--
-(door bangs open) -Stop! Lex, stop!
Gavin?
-Huh? -I thought he was in the race.
-Gavin. -Yeah, he is.
Looks like he's waiting about a mile from the finish line.
-(panting) -Oh.
You are a sneaky little gladiator, aren't you, Richard?
But the Hooli charter, which I wrote,
gives me the right to block this transaction.
Uh, no. It doesn't.
Richard: Yeah, that's right. You, uh,
you had two hours, which lapsed--
Seven minutes ago.
I'm afraid they're right.
Shit.
Okay, fine! I can't block it!
But come on, Lex! We have a history together!
You wrote the very first check to Hooli.
You're not gonna turn your back on 30 years
of making money together, are you?
I know we're not in the strongest position right now,
but I will fight my way back, that's what I do.
I-I kick and I scrap and I-I play dirty.
Anything to win! I-I-I could've
bailed Richard out, but I didn't! I fucked him!
And then, I fucked over...
"world poker tour" there!
Just for the spite of it, just because I could!
Look, forget all the bullshit about
making the world a better place.
The most valuable companies in this valley
were built and run by-by savages,
who cheat to win. Zuckerberg, and Jobs,
and me, Gavin Belson.
So please, Lex, put the pen down.
Leave your money where it is.
Richard: If this is a competition
to find out who the shittier person is,
I'm not sure it's something that I can add to.
Dinesh: I can.
-Dinesh? -This must be said.
Gavin, you think you're the most spiteful guy in town,
but you're not even the most spiteful guy in this room.
The truth is...
I'm a bad person.
How do you think we got the money for this deal?
I lied to my cousin's face.
He is going to lose $40 million, give or take,
plus his estate in Hawaii... I hope.
See?! I suck!
Did you know that instead of breaking up with a girl
that scared me, I called the FBI and sent her to prison?
-The Teslas. -Dinesh: Right.
I pressured my direct reports
to buy Teslas that they could not afford
because I wanted better wheels than a guy named Danny.
And I was eight years old,
I stole my friend Ali's jump rope
and tied it to the back of a truck that drove away,
and then I told him I had no idea what happened to it.
And when he cried himself to sleep,
I ate his British candy and told him
God took it because he hated him.
-Jesus! -Dinesh: So,
if this decision is going to come down
to who is the most spiteful, then, respectfully, sir...
-Lex: Stop! Stop! -...I would argue--
Just stop talking!
I don't wanna be in business with any of you people.
I don't even wanna be in the same room with you!
I'm gonna sign this and take my money out.
Oop! Gonna miss my bus.
Ugh...
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Think you won?
(laughing): Fuck you, Richard Hendricks.
The Valley is small and the road is long.
Just keep looking over your shoulder.
Gentlemen.
And lady-- Ow!
Hoover! Help!
(door opens)
Richard: Guys...
-(door shuts) -Did we...
Just buy Hooli?
Yeah, we did.
Holy shit.
-(laughing) -Feels pretty good!
Wajeed is gonna be so pissed at me.
And mom's gonna kill me.
So, I guess, uh, everyone got what they want.
(clears throat) Well, actually, uh, Jared.
Hey, uh...
I just wanna say, like...
I'm really sorry about everything,
and, uh, well,
of course, I'd be happy
to give you and Gwart your company back.
That's obvious. And also, if you...
needed office space,
we'd be happy to have you. Um...
I guess, I don't know, I just... I miss you, man.
Whatever, I don't care.
Monica: Jesus.
Yeah, it's sort of his thing.
(sighs) All right,
well, everybody's gathered out there,
-so you should probably say something. -Okay.
Be gracious and don't expect too much.
What are you talking about? I mean,
won't they be happy? I freed them from Gavin.
I mean, that's one way of looking at it.
Or, your company just swallowed theirs,
and you fired their founder and CEO.
They're probably a little freaked out. They wanna know
that they're gonna keep their jobs.
But we don't know if they will.
-Right. -Yeah.
Well, you'll think of something. Just be yours--
-Keep it short. Keep it short. -Yeah.
-("Comin' Thru" by Chali 2na playing) -Okay... Okay.
♪ Comin' through today ♪
♪ Welcome to Terrordome ♪
♪ I'm your host, the friendly neighborhood baritone ♪
♪ Vocals channel the spirits of old poets ♪
♪ I don't drink, my glass never behold Moet ♪
♪ Similar to Paul Laurence Dunbar ♪
♪ From the crew you thought was just all chorus and one star ♪
♪ Now, I'm one-sixth of a clique that runs shit ♪
♪ While commercial counterparts are in constant conflict ♪
♪ I'm coming through today ♪
♪ A lot of details, on my body be scales ♪
♪ I'm from Ida B. Wells ♪
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♪ You got work to do... ♪
♪ ...Coming straight from Chi' ♪
♪ All day when I say that I'm much more than just... ♪
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
DINESH CHUGTAI: This is a video called Maximizing Alphaness.
You just gotta subconsciously absorb it.
This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
Fuck yeah.
It turns out my real parents are alive. (CHUCKLES)
So you gave me up to simplify your first class air travel?
That's a clear row across. A, B, C, and D.
ETHAN: Do we think this photo of Richard is funny?
He was acting like your boss. You need to assert dominance.
-(GRUNTS) -Ah!
It's complicated. You're the only one who got hurt.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪