1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:01,216 Mama has a Chicken. 2 00:00:01,240 --> 00:00:02,275 Mama has a Cow. 3 00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:04,795 Dad was proud, he didn't care how. 4 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:10,915 Cow! 5 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:15,595 Chicken! 6 00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:20,598 Cow and Chicken! 7 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,353 Hi, boys and girls! 8 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,909 I'm Slappy, Ham of the Future! 9 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,991 Today is gonna be a special show. 10 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,277 Let's bring it down a notch and get serious for a minute. 11 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:54,398 Today, we're gonna talk about what it means to be happy 12 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,232 with who or what you are. 13 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,072 You might comb your hair differently. 14 00:00:58,160 --> 00:00:59,719 You might wear a different dress. 15 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,235 You might be a ham tomorrow, like me. 16 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,391 But it doesn't change who you are. 17 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,949 I know who or what I am. I'm a pig! 18 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:09,839 You see, you can paint a bag of chick peas all pretty and blue, 19 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,434 and it'll look nice, but it's still a bag of chick peas. 20 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,079 You ever see a chick pea? 21 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,117 What is up with that? 22 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,157 Oh, beats the milk out of me. 23 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,914 Cow? Chicken? Dinner's ready! 24 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,559 Mom, hurry! 25 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,597 Ham strings! Batter up! 26 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:26,432 Oh, boy! 27 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:31,111 Yes? 28 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:32,520 What can we do for you, fine Sir? 29 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:33,510 Watch this. 30 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,160 Door to door doctor house call! 31 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:37,116 A doctor? 32 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,838 We didn't call for no doctor. 33 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,911 Well, of... course you didn't! 34 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,231 I am a doctor of surprise medicine. 35 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:45,958 Surprise! 36 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:48,156 Well, come on in! 37 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,598 Open your pie holes for Dr. Hiney. 38 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,717 Mom? Dad? Do we gotta? 39 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,234 He is a doctor. 40 00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,436 Just look at his bag! 41 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:00,191 Easy. 42 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:02,237 It says "Doctor" right on it! 43 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:03,958 How's that for proof? 44 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,838 Pork traps... open. 45 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:14,310 Oh, this kid's got quite a tongue on him. 46 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,391 Nothing a little soap won't cure! 47 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,359 Right, Mom and Dad? 48 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,274 Sorry. 49 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:28,736 All right, here's the din, Mom and Dad. 50 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:30,592 Your moose is fine. 51 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,512 But there's something wrong with your duck! 52 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,797 In fact, it is the ugliest duck I've ever seen. 53 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:37,234 Hey! I am no duck! 54 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:40,312 There is nothing worse than a duck in denial! 55 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:41,754 Lookie, Mom and Dad. 56 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:44,719 This is what a duck looks like. 57 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,593 Here we go! 58 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:55,675 'Duck': Flat bill, shod legs and no wattle. 59 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:57,714 He's right, mama! 60 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,553 Chicken doesn't look anything like a duck! 61 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:07,473 Your son is in dire need of an emergency wattle-ectomy, Mom? 62 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,871 Now, take off your clothes 63 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,679 and put on this revealing paper gown. 64 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,751 Our poor, poor duck! 65 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:21,160 Be strong, mama. 66 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,631 The pantless doctor is gonna help him. 67 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:28,272 I hope nobody can see my naked buttocks. 68 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,033 Oh, don't worry, Big Brother. 69 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,714 No one can see your butt back here. 70 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,635 Surgery time! 71 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,998 Oh, I'm sorry. He's gone. 72 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:57,398 You mean... The lunch guy. He's gone. 73 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,394 Anyway, time for the wattle-ectomy. 74 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,357 Can I help, Dr. Hiney? 75 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,399 All right y! You can be my head nurse! 76 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,313 Take care of my head, nurse. 77 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,074 Man! I'm fearing the worst. 78 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:13,831 Not me. 79 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,560 I'm fearing what might happen to our son! 80 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,790 Five string banjo. 81 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:21,715 Mace! 82 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:23,800 Tape! 83 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,319 My head... Nurse. 84 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,240 Thank you! 85 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,194 Oh, Mom and Dad. 86 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:40,877 Take a look at your new son! 87 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,870 What have you done to my Big Brother? 88 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,349 Well, it's nothing, really. 89 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,875 Speak to me, Chicken! 90 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,234 What? Are you thirsty? 91 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,630 Oh, here! 92 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,029 SQ"? 93 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,631 Impressed, hm? 94 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:09,313 Now we have got to do something about this moose of yours! 95 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:13,109 First, we are going to need to get rid of these... horns. 96 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,200 Wait a minute! 97 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,072 Are you really a doctor? 98 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:17,878 Not technically, no. 99 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:22,079 I'm a Rear Admiral. So, sue me. 100 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,230 So, they did! 101 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:24,515 Ladies and Germans, 102 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:28,230 these slides prove that Chicken is no duck. 103 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,960 Exhibit "A"...Chicken as a baby egg. 104 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,758 Chicken one-day-old. 105 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,035 Chicken's first step. 106 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,394 Chicken's first word. 107 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:37,676 The day his wattle came in. 108 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:42,311 Now, do you still allege that Chicken is a duck, Real Admiral Floyd? 109 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:46,473 Well... if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck 110 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,120 and quacks like a duck... 111 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:52,714 Then it must be a duck, Your Highness. 112 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,679 Hey! You can't argue with that logic! 113 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,558 Case dismissed! 114 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,876 Eat your cereal, Chicken. 115 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:08,509 I want my Big Brother back! 116 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:12,116 Oh, don't be sad, Cow. 117 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,669 That's right! It's not like we lost a son. 118 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,598 We gained a duck. 119 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,313 Works every time! 120 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,560 Duck season! 121 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,510 See, kids? It's like I told you. 122 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:37,514 You can surgically alter a chicken into a duck, but he's still the duck. 123 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,513 All right, kids, forget what I said at the beginning of the show. 124 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,910 Sometimes a sack of manure can be a duck. 125 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,071 Oh, that's not right. I don't know! 126 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:47,674 I am not a scientist! I am a pig! 127 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:49,353 Why are you listening to me? 128 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:52,432 I am bacon, for frying out loud! 129 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,976 The producers wish to apologize for the previous Slappy The Pig insert. 130 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,896 It was a pathetic and desperate attempt on the part of Slappy to prolong his life! 131 00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,896 The producers wish to apologize for the previous outburst 132 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,616 by the pantless actor who no longer works for the show. 133 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:02,640 We are sorry.